Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
