Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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