he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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