Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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