I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
