totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
