Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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