Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
