i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize