After last night, I could never be a politician.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
