That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
