you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
