Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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