I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
