Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
