I think I won the penis lottery.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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