GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
