You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
