I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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