Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
