just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
