Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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