I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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