Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
