he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize