i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
