Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
