i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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