happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The best revenge is premature balding
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
