So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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