what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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