The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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