im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
