There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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