Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
