Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
