Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
