Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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