The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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