I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
