Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize