I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
