She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize