I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's always time for handjobs
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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