Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
