my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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