Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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