Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
