I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
