She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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