you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
