Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
