stop calling my apartment porn island.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
