Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
