How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
