if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize