she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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