Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Welp...herpes.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
