I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
