Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
