The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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