what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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