After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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