Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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