It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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