Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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