I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
there is glitter all over my balls
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