Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
