Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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