Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize