he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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