New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize