Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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